First off, if you haven’t heard Someday I’ll Be Forgiven For This by Justin Townes Earle, then gear up, click this link, and do yourself a favor. Then keep reading.
It’s ’bout time there was a post on Hey Lou. But in my defense, I’ve been busy. I usually dislike that excuse, but this time it’s true. If I wasn’t at work the last two weeks, I was with family that was in town, trying to write, or seeing good friends….
Because that’s what the holidays are for!!! I’m 100% positive that I’m not alone in that hustle and bustle .
This month (as all Decembers in my life are turning out to be) was a fun/evolving/growing/learning and interesting month. I say that with all the meaning those words can give.
Relationships, people… relationships.
Once again, my relationships with people shifted into a new realm. I found forgiveness in my soul for people I found it very difficult to consider forgiving. I saw light and joy in people I hardly know. I saw my view of the people in my life changing, as I changed, and tried to fit all of those pieces back together again.
I’m just not a winter person. I need my sunlight. I need my warmth. I much prefer sunlight over moonlight. I wish it wasn’t so true.
When it’s cold out, lyrics and voices and side glances from others are amplified in a mysterious way. Songs hit me hard. I listen to the same ones over and over again.
I’ve been listening to another song lately: Calender Girl by Stars.
I feel as though it’s my song. You know when each lyric just feels…. like you? That’s how this song is for me. (I should have added above that each time I wasn’t doing one of those “busy” things, I was driving somewhere and listening to music the entire time.)
“If I am lost for a day try to find me, but if I don’t come back then I won’t look behind me. All of the things that I thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day. December is darkest, in June there’s the light…”
Sometimes I still feel lost in my own little world and there are times when I’m on the highway driving and I think to myself, “What would happen if I just drove?” Who would freak out first, if I didn’t show up where I was expected? Who would cheer me on? Who wouldn’t even notice? (I have to wait until summer anyway, because I’m not risking getting stuck on the side of the road in the freezing cold.)
What does lost mean? Can one be lost with a friend beside them?
“I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do. And when I awoke I was sure it was true. I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky and said, ‘Whoever is up there, please don’t let me die.’ But I can’t live forever, I can’t always be. One day I’ll be sand on a beach by the sea.”
I have a nightmare problem. Sadly, I have about 2 nice dreams I remember after 24 years of life and a whole slew (yes, slew) of horrible dreams. The first nightmare I remember is when from when I was 6. Guess what? It was winter. The scene was cold. In my very first remembered nightmare, I was freezing.
In my most recent nightmare, I wasn’t cold, but the scene was mostly black and white and I was lost, confused, and traumatized to a certain degree. Have you ever dreamed of someone you know scaring you or being injured in a way that scares you (which, as it turns out, is most horrific if that person is actually one of the nicest you’ve ever met)? I can usually separate myself from those bad dreams in time to not freak out, cry, or fear for my life once I’m awake. Yet, this past week, I slipped into kid mode and when I woke up from my nightmare it took another thirty minutes at least to calm down and stop crying. I just wanted to know that the person I’d dreamed about was okay. I just wanted that comfort, because at the time, it was the only thing I was unsure about in life and the only concern I had. It’s amazing how the brain works (er, doesn’t work?) at 2 A.M.
I was unsettled the next day, jumpy, and I swear my heart never actually stopped pumping in a very visible and noisy way.
So come on, June. What are you waiting for?
When I have nice dreams, I have to call them daydreams. They don’t happen when I’m asleep. Nice dreams include:
Lying on the grass beside someone and looking over to see them smiling at you.
Getting an unexpected gift (not necessarily tangible.)
Hugging someone so tight you feel like you might crack their rib.
A sweet kiss.
Laughing your head off.
Driving around listening to music.
And, thank God, these things are more than dreams. They actually happen in real life, unlike nightmares. :)
Do you have nightmares? Are you a daytime person or a nighttime person? Winter or summer?
Or are you one of those extremely lucky and somewhat unaffected individuals, and the weather/light situation is something you hardly notice?
ps Okay, I did do one cool thing in the cold. I went to River of Lights with my sister and her family. That was FUN even thought I couldn’t feel my toes.
December 27, 2013 at 12:50 PM
I’m glad to see a post from you! Woo! :) Hopefully spring will come soon, and you can get outside in the sunlight again, my friend.
December 29, 2013 at 6:29 PM
The days are only getting longer………!!!!
December 28, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Being too busy to be online is definitely a good thing (but so are new Hey Lou posts!)
December 29, 2013 at 6:29 PM
Aw, thanks, Jess!!!!!
December 28, 2013 at 11:55 PM
You and I are so alike in too many ways to count…but I am definitely a fall/winter person. Perhaps it has to do with my love of the hunt…which is always autumnal… and the taste of venison stew on a wintry day. Even when we lived six miles from the Canadian border and temps were below 0°…I would take our dog, Sherah, for long walks. The white snow and cold air felt so pure. I would come home with my beard full of ice, but I didn’t mind at all. As for just driving away, I’ve thought of that for sure…especially after a long council meeting or dealing with the tension and rage that seems ubiquitous on our city streets. Yet I always come home….for home at Cedarbrook is my sanctuary and refuge…and I rejoice that coming here brings you joy, comfort and refreshment. Lastly, I know how busy you’ve been…so I hope these winter days bring you rest…and new, sweet dreams. XOXO
December 29, 2013 at 6:30 PM
I wish I’d gotten some of that from you, or kept some of my Minnesotan strength :) I prefer sweating on my walks. Love you!!
January 4, 2014 at 7:51 AM
Love this song so much.
February 18, 2014 at 10:20 PM
And you and I are very much alike. We’ll talk about it sometime in person…not here. I love you.
February 19, 2014 at 1:45 PM
I cannot wait!